Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
