I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
