When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
