I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
so much tequila, so little girl.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
