Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
don't judge my taste in strippers
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
