my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
