I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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