I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
