I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
