You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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