Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
