didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize