3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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