So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
