I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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