i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
