Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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