It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
