a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
