I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize