Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
