Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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