it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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