i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
