So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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