you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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