i dedicated my morning wood to you.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Randomize
