i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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