Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize