so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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