My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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