Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
