i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
