you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
