Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
