ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
