chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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