my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize