I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Pants are for mortals
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
