She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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