I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
