I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
