just tell him i said nine months
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
