If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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