he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
