were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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