I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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