awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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