and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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