wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's blow job season.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
