Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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