don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Sorry about my life...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
