Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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