He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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