Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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