you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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