Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
God, I missed his penis.
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