Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
