Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
