Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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