I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
