Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize