ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
