i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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