you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
