I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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