Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
