i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
